“If you want to be liked, just please everybody. Never say NO. Take everything on. Be responsible for how other people feel. Never disappoint anybody. They’re gonna all like you. But nobody’s gonna love you, because they don’t know you.”
– Dr. Gabor Maté
People Pleasing – 5 Tips To Break The Habit
The vast majority of my clients who struggle with nervous system dysregulation or mind-body disconnect share a common trait – people pleasing. Now, don’t get me wrong – being kind and helpful to others is beautiful, so this is not about learning to be selfish, but knowing what to ensure this positive quality does not turn into a negative, non-negotiable way of living, where we choose to ignore our own needs, to satisfy those of others. The biggest irony? After all the energy we pour into pleasing everyone around us, many don’t even notice our efforts.
In my therapy sessions, we often explore why we feel this compelling need to please everyone and fear letting people down. This discussion emerges naturally, not because we’re digging through past wounds, but because our present behaviours often gently tug at the threads of our emotional history. Understanding these patterns helps us create meaningful change.
Here’s my TOP 5 STRATEGIES to break free from people pleasing that have helped my clients.
Tip 1 – Embrace Boundary Setting
I encourage you to think of personal boundaries as your protective shield – whether it’s about your time, emotions, or physical space. Start by being honest about your feelings, even if it means using that uncomfortable two-letter word: “No.” I recommend having a few ready-to-use phrases like “I can’t commit to that right now” or “I can stay for 30 minutes, but I’ll need to leave by noon.” Remember, you don’t need to apologise for having boundaries. If some people distance themselves when you set healthy limits, trust me – you’ll find others who appreciate you for who you are, not just what you can do for them.
Tip 2 – Master the Power of a ‘Pause’
When setting boundaries feels overwhelming, I suggest using the ‘Pause’ technique. Simply say, “Let me get back to you later today.” This gives you breathing room to check in with yourself about how you truly feel about the request.
Tip 3 – Find Your Voice
Start valuing your opinion as much as others do theirs. I love seeing my clients grow confident in expressing disagreement with phrases like “I hear what you’re saying, but I see things differently” or “I understand your conclusion, but I don’t agree with it.” The people who truly care about you will respect and appreciate your authentic voice.
Tip 4 – Cultivate Self-Worth
I cannot stress this enough; your worth isn’t determined by others’ approval. Make time each day for activities that bring you joy, reinforcing that your value comes from within and from being true to yourself.
Tip 5 – Rethink Your Apologies
Many people pleasers apologise automatically, even when it’s not warranted. This subtle habit reinforces the belief that your needs matter less than others. Instead of saying “I’m so sorry we can’t accept your dinner invitation,” try “We are away on that date – I hope you have a great time!”
Get Comfortable With Uncomfortable!
If you start feeling guilty as you implement these changes, I want you to know that’s completely normal. But remember – this guilt isn’t real remorse; you haven’t done anything wrong. In fact, I see that guilt as a positive sign that you’re moving in the right direction!
I’m passionate about helping people reconnect with their authentic selves through mind-body awareness. If this information resonates with you, and you would like to become more emotionally connected, please request a Discovery Call.
