“When have two needs, Attachment & Authenticity”
– Gabor Maté
What Is Attachment?
Attachment is contact, connection, belonging, to love and be loved and be taken care of. Without this, we would simply not survive. Humans are unique, as whilst all mammals are dependent for some time on their parent(s) to survive, we stay attached for much, much longer than any other mammals.
What Is Authenticity?
Authenticity is knowing what we feel, who we are and being able to act on those feelings and emotions. It is fully knowing ourselves, being genuine, real and being in touch with our bodies, comfortable in our own skin and expressing that in our relationships, choices and activities. Authenticity is also essential to survival. How long would we survive if every time we sensed danger we did nothing about it?
What Happens When Attachment & Authenticity Are Challenged?
Situations will arise throughout our life that challenge our attachment and authenticity but no more so than in our childhood. Parents and caregivers can easily (and unconsciously) convey messages to their child that they do not appreciate a child’s authenticity, that they are not acceptable the way they are behaving or the emotion they are showing. “Go to your room and calm down. You can come out when you’re going to a good girl”, “Stop crying, you’re acting like a big baby”, “Sit in the corner until you calm down”. At this point it must be stressed that the love of a parent is not being questioned here, some don’t have the knowledge or repeat their own experience. Nobody gets it perfect.
The message being unconsciously relayed is that the display of negative or strong emotion is not acceptable, not normal, and not welcome here. What does the child do with that? 100% of the time a child will sacrifice authenticity to keep attachment. The child knows instinctively that without attachment they would not survive, but we can sacrifice some authenticity, by adapting our personality to how we perceive others want us to be, so we are more acceptable. In this process our emotions and authentic nature start to be suppressed.
“When Authenticity threatens Attachment, Attachment always trumps Authenticity”
– Gabor Maté
What Are The Consequences Of Supressing Authenticity?
The consequence of supressing authenticity is that as we grow, we are unsure of who we are, we are less likely to listen to our ‘authentic’ emotional brain, and we live our adult life with our childhood adaptation for attachment.
Our need for attachment will shift from our primary caregivers to others in our life, who we continue to please at personal cost, because of the fear of loosing these important attachment relationships. When supressing authenticity has become second nature, we will live a life where we don’t know how we really feel or who we really are. The results of that are costly, showing up in a whole range of health issues, both physical and mental.
How We Adapt To Maintain Attachment At All Costs
Maintaining attachment at all costs requires not only a suppression of our authentic self but strategies that ensure those relationships are never threatened. These might be:
- Living a life to always please others – we rarely do anything for ourself (and often don’t even know what we would do), we people please and always prioritise others
- We make ourselves indispensable, always saying ‘yes’, even when we feel we want to say ‘no. We are always nice, likeable and agreeable to people’s opinions, even when we disagree
- We rarely ask for help
- We care deeply about how others see us
- Being the centre of attention – we need to be seen, we need people to need us/see us.
- Being introverted – we don’t want to be seen, we put everybody else’s needs above our own, that makes them feel good and does not threaten attachment.
- We never show strong emotion – if people knew how we really felt it could threaten the relationship
How To Rebalance Our Attachment And Authenticity Needs
The self you abandoned all those years ago is still there. Learning how to reconnect with your emotional brain, your authentic self and understanding how to implement changes that enable you to achieve a life that responds to your needs will rebalance your attachment and authenticity needs. Whilst some around you will be surprised at the boundaries you start to implement, those who treasure you will love you will be thrilled to see your true self emerge to life that leaves your sparkling with happiness, health, and fulfilment.
The knowledge and tools we share during our one-to-one coaching sessions at The Mind Body Bridge provide you with the skills you need to reconnect with your true self and let go of the adaptations you’ve lived by for so long along with reducing the symptoms it has sent as a prompt to live a live that is happy, healthy and fulfilled for you.
To start your journey to true authenticity, please book a Discovery Call.
